THE HANDBOOK

Statutory Warning :To be read with a sense of humor and dollops of attitude especially by the fairer sex J

He had been going through a lean phase… Sexually as well as emotionally. The man needed a woman and needed her fast. To bring a little colour back into his life, to add a little spice, to shake him out of his intellectual slumber. He’s a close friend, and so it fell on me to rescue him. I introduced him to a wonderful girl and now he can’t stop smiling.

Why did I do it? Because I felt he had practiced enough in the nets, it was time to get on to the field and actually play the sport. That’s how I explained it to him . I believe that flirting with women is exactly like playing cricket. To be a good player, you need to master the nuances of the game. If you understand cricket ..you follow the same rules at flirting too …

Much like cricket, flirting can be classified into three categories. There is the 20:20 format, the 50-over game and the test match. Flirting approaches are somewhat similar. Sometimes you do it the way you’d play a 20:20 game. It’s quick, fun and over in a flash. You need to enter the field armed with your best moves and power play. You need your best lines and sharpest reflexes. One false or ill-timed move and you could be heading back to the pavilion. It’s feel-good and fun.

Then there is the 50-over approach. With some women, flirting is a slower, more drawn-out affair. The tempo rises and falls, depending on the pitch. It’s not about going in all-guns blazing, it’s about waiting for the right moment in the match to make a certain kind of move. It’s a combination of endurance and timing. Not for the flash in the pan variety of men.

And finally there are the Test Matches. The format that made cricket the gentlemen’s game. The Test Match approach needs time, commitment and a lot of technique. A player is worthy only if he can last for a large part of the duration of the match. This approach requires the player to keep at it, not give up and grind it out till he gets the desired results. Flashiness is not going to get the player anywhere in this format.  

Once the player has identified the format he wants to play, he has to gauge the pitch. Like cricket pitches, women differ from each other. So a 20:20 game in India will be played differently than in England, which will be different from when you’re playing Down Under. You have to change your game plan not only to suit the format, but also to suit that particular pitch. It must also be remembered that pitch conditions change with the weather. So depending on whether she’s had a good or bad day, a woman will have two very different reactions to the same master stroke. As a batsman, it’s important to perceive a dangerous ball while it’s hurtling at you and not after it has clean-bowled you. The earlier you read the pitch condictions,the better you are prepared with your shot !!

Like you progress in cricket—from gully cricket to the Ranji level and eventually to the national team, you progress in the levels of flirting too. As a novice, you have to test home waters before you venture out into the ocean. You start domestic, and then move to international. You can’t be pitted against Brett lee at the start of your career. He will squash your confidence and finish off your career even before it starts. It works pretty much the same way with women. You pace yourself and start flirting with women you have a good chance of winning over. You play out of your league before you’re ready and the results could be disastrous. So don’t overextend yourselves at the beginning of your career ..pace yourselves

Like in cricket, experience matters in flirting as well. If you have played for long enough, your memory bank serves as a ready reckoner for any situation you may find yourself in. Sachin Tendulkar is believed to have 4 strokes for every ball that’s thrown at him. Depending on the other variables, he chooses the best stroke to face that ball. That’s experience, my friend! Flirting works in a similar fashion. Depending on who the girl is, you change your response to the same question. And if you are naturally gifted as a Brian Lara was in cricket ,experience can only enhance your natural skills ..

A true enthusiast and player is a person who’s mastered all three versions of the game. You can’t restrict yourself to just one format. That would just limit your growth. To be known as a true ‘player’, you have to learn to play on every pitch in all formats under any conditions!

And lastly, there’s just one more thing a player must never forget: there’s just one good ball or one bad shot standing between you and the next player. So never stop practicing. Even if you’re resting due to an injury, indulge in at least a little net practice. Because when you do decide to come back on the field, you don’t want to get out on duck, do you?

So the rules of cricket and flirting are the same, everyone is just trying to master the game! J

Coffee With the EX

It was a relationship that had to end one day... We wanted different things from life. But it had lasted for 8 years. We’d gone from being acquaintances to close friends to lovers… Seen many ups and downs together, shared many happy and sad moments… She had been an integral part of my life. But it had ended. She was finally an EX.

A few months later she called. She was in town and wanted to meet up for coffee. We’d not spoken to each other in this time. She needed the time to move on. But now she wanted to have coffee. Which made me think about this much-used phrase: “Coffee with an ex”. 

Most of the time when a relationship (and I’m classifying a relationship as something that lasts for at least 6 months) ends, it’s never with the consent of both the people involved… Sometimes relationships end because the needs from that relationship have changed. Or one of the two is disillusioned by it… Like when one person cheats on the other or when they have a massive fight. Very rarely will it be a decision taken mutually with both the people sitting across the table and having a sane, sensible discussion.

I think that’s what this first coffee with an ex is meant to be—a chance to sit across the table and have that first conversation... Without reproach and recrimination, to make sure that the issues that we keep in our hearts and hold on to for the rest of our lives get resolved… Not just for the sake of closure so that we can focus on our current relationship, but also so that we don’t end up carrying baggage from that relationship for the rest of our lives.

I feel that this coffee helps to clear the air. Everyone has reasons for doing what they did; we might not understand or accept those reasons, but if we just hear the other person out, we give ourselves the option of understanding their reasons. Maybe not immediately or even in the near future… But some day, when the hurt fades away, we might be able to understand… And it might help the next relationship we’re in.

Most of the time in relationships, women tend to sweep problems under the carpet and don't discuss it. I think this coffee is the time for the woman to finally have her say… To vent their feelings and say everything they’ve kept locked up in their hearts... And men should be ready for that. To hear and to listen… To let the woman let it all out… They need it… They need to discuss why it ended… what went wrong... The problems that were never discussed… It’s their catharsis... It’s their way of cleansing the past and making a fresh start... And this coffee should be treated like that... For both parties to silently embrace their share of the responsibility and move on... To accept that mistakes were made and to forgive each other...

And there’s a reason why it’s over coffee guys! It’s safe and on neutral ground. It’s in public view. I believe that this coffee should happen at exactly the right time... Not when the embers from the past are still too hot to handle, nor when they’ve become cold and died. It has to happen when the relationship is at the right temperature. Don't ever try having a drink with an ex before you have this coffee... With the wrong beverage, the results might be totally different! :)

Life is too short for us to hold grudges… To feel animosity towards someone who’s been a major part of your life... We all deserve the chance to make our peace with our pasts so that it doesn’t ruin our present and future. The door to the past needs to be shut and bolted. But not just from one side, it needs to be locked from both sides of the doorframe. So this coffee with an ex can be the final end of an old relationship or the beginning of a new friendship. My coffee was the beginning of a new friendship... Maybe next time, we can catch up for a drink. :)

The Bucket Of No Wishes

The thought struck after returning from Istanbul. For those who don’t already know, it’s the place I celebrated my 40^th birthday in; and with considerable panache, I would say… Over dinner as I entertained my friends with details of the trip: the madness, the BMW and the insanely large alcohol bill that I racked up, he asked me the question most people are wont to ask during discussions like these: What would I do for the grand 41^st? What was the next big thing on my “Bucket List”?

The thing is, I don’t have a bucket list. I don’t even believe in the concept. Which is not to say that I’ve done everything I wanted to in life; there are still plenty of experiences to live, places to visit and sights to see in this lifetime. But I just don’t believe in putting it down on a list and put little check marks against them as I go along.

By its very definition, a list is a plan. It could be a plan for things that need to be done, things that need to be accomplished, or simply the landmarks and milestones that we need to cross to see ourselves where we want to in 5, 10, 15 years. It could be about going to Harvard before turning 30, landing that dream job or finally taking the vacation we’ve been planning for years. A list in an accounting system, a balance sheet through which we keep score of the things that we managed versus the things that we couldn’t. The more the number of little check marks against the items, the happier and more successful we’re supposed to feel in life. But do we really want to turn over life’s happiness to an accounting system? And what happens when the check marks aren’t quite as many in number as we thought there would be? Should that decrease our happiness in the things that we did manage to do?

To me, the concept of bucket lists seems flawed on many levels… Life doesn’t come with a definite plan… I believe that the beauty of life lies in its uncertainty… Every day, it writes a new chapter, every day we live a new adventure… In this uncertainty, where is the place for a list??

I think Bucket Lists lead to disappointment. Imagine dreaming of Harvard all your adult life, imagine saving up for it for years, and then imagine something happening that doesn’t let that person go to Harvard despite all the planning and preparations. It’s not just the disappointment. Imagine if the reason for not going was a person… All it would lead to is resentment for the person who took away that item from our list. Why would we do this to ourselves?

I believe in treating life like a book that reveals something new on every page. A book that we don’t have the power to write, only live and enjoy. Only then can we feel a pure and unadulterated kind of happiness when we reach the last page… We don’t have the power to write our own destiny; if we did, everyone on the planet would be exactly where they wanted to see themselves… But we’re not all where we’d like to be, are we?

I somehow always feel that our joy in the things we’ve achieved always pales in comparison to the disappointment over the things we weren’t able to do. A Bucket List is like inviting this disappointment to our doorstep and letting the pressure of getting to the desired goals get to us… When did life become about ticking off things we have done from some list and not about simply exploring all that it has to offer? Why can’t we travel a road without a map and see where it goes and what it has to offer?

When do we start making these lists anyway??? As the years go by and we experience more and more of life, do we keep adding to this list and consequently, keep adding to the pressure of accomplishing even more than before?? When does this list end??? I’d love to meet a man who can tell me that he had a list of 10 things to do which he never added things to; and when he managed to cross all 10 of them, he was completely satisfied. I’m guessing we’d be hard pressed to find a man like this. Human desires are endless, so why should our desire to do things be restricted and kept in some bucket???

Lists are meant for chores to finish and groceries to buy… Let’s not treat life like a balance sheet… Where success is measured in how much red we see at the end of the day. Like someone once told me, buckets are meant to hold water, not your life’s desires. J

NO SHADI KE 6 PHERE

It was like any other night. I was at a friend’s place for dinner and the conversations were following their usual course: Shah Rukh’s affair with Priyanka, Salman’s stronghold in Bollywood, Dhoni and Team India. Nothing spectacularly different, nothing out of the ordinary. And just when we thought we’d exhausted all the usual topics, the conversation turned to everyone’s all-time favourite: matrimony and me. Who was getting married to who, who was getting a divorce, who was living in sin. Nobody’s private life is safe at a dinner table with old friends. As usual, I was called upon to give my left-of-centre view on the subject of holy matrimony. I rose to the occasion and the evening ended with some people hotly defending the institution of marriage, trying to convince the other half who believe that marriage isn’t a dying institution, it’s a dead institution.

On the drive back home, I thought about the reasons why I think marriage as we know it, is a thing of the past. Everywhere I look, I find that the reality of marriages today are almost diametrically opposite to the rules that make a supposedly successful marriage. And that’s when this blog was born. The 6 reasons why I think that if the concept of marriage is to live to see another day, year or decade, the rules need to change. Here’s why:  

LOVE WAS NEVER THE DETERMINING FACTOR IN A MARRIAGE

Love may have single-handedly sponsored Kenny G’s world tours, but in the times of our parents and their parents, it had little to do with marriage. Stripped of its romanticism, marriage was simply meant to be a social contract--a functional piece of paper that gave two unconnected individuals a right over each other’s wealth and assets, and a legal license to procreate .Very often these people were strangers right up to the day of their marriage. There was little or no physical or emotional proximity until their license to sex was signed and sealed. Most of our parents or maybe grandparents hadn’t known what a sexual touch was until the night of their wedding. The romance started only after the marriage, when the boy and girl finally got the chance to explore and discover the person they were married to.

Cut to our times.  All of us started playing the dating game well before we decided to get married. Couples date for months, years and sometimes even decades before they finally take the plunge. But someone tell me, what plunge is actually left to take when you’ve been with a person for years before you sign a document proclaiming marriage? We know everything there is to know about a person--physically as well as emotionally--before we get married. Very few of us have firsts to look forward to after a marriage. We’ve gone on vacations, lived together, had screaming matches, wild sex and shared pets much before the act of marriage. What’s left to look forward to? Is the signing of a legal piece of paper really worth making such an event out of? I don’t think so. How is the first day of marriage any different from the last day of dating ???

OUR WORLD WAS MUCH SMALLER

For the people who walked, life extended upto their neighbouhoods. When there were horses the world was as big as the next village. Then came the wheel and people travelled across cities and kilometers. Then came the train and the plane and our world grew and grew till it almost exploded. 100 years ago, a dude from Colaba would think he’s found a bride from a faraway  land if she came from Virar. He’d probably live and die within a radius of 100 square kilometers and he could only know women from within that radius. There was lesser temptation, lesser chances of slipping up. Today we live in a world where we can literally have breakfast, lunch and dinner in three different cities within the same day. Imagine meeting a beautiful Spanish woman in Delhi for breakfast, a Swedish lady  in Mumbai for lunch and an Italian bombshell  in Goa for dinner. The law of temptation very clearly states ….the more the choices …the more chances are that what you possess will look and feel stale and outdated…Which marriage can survive the onslaught of the constant threat of temptation?

WOMEN ARE MORE EQUAL TO MEN

When marriage as a social contract came about, men and women had very clearly defined roles and responsibilities in structured society. Men were the providers and women were the nurturers. Today, there are no rules. Women are far more financially independent than ever before and with that independence comes the confidence to say no--to bullshit from men and to relationships that are toxic. There’s a reason why divorce rates are peaking with every passing decade.  The bra burning of the women’s liberation movement might have given women more rights ,but they have increased the strain on marriages …Women are no longer that tolerant to the vagaries of men

THE JOINT FAMILY

Most of us have been brought up in or at least start our married lives in a nuclear setup. There’s the husband, the wife and the domestic help. Presently, a child is added to the numbers in most cases.  Since our private lives are shielded from the extended family, when we fight, there’s no one to knock on the door, forcing us to lower our volumes while screaming. There’s no one to calm turbulent waters or act as a sandpaper to smoothen the friction. Since there are no buffers, problems can simmer until one day they implode and the marriage falls apart. The joint family acted both as a diversion and as a sponge for a married couple and their issues …with no diversion or sponge the chances of friction increase multifold ..which ultimately show on a marriage

WORK PLACE ROMANCE

Most of us spend longer hours at work than at home. If we were to clock the hours, the time spent with our colleagues beats the time spent with our significant others hands down. With more and more women joining the workforce, it’s impossible to go through life without being attracted to the people you work with. There is a very strong chance that a woman working in the work place will understand you better than maybe your wife waiting at home for you … So there’s opportunity, proximity and time--the three most important ingredients in an affair….

SOCIAL MEDIA

The Internet is the final nail in the marriage coffin… Nothing gives and everything is allowed in the virtual world. It’s a world where we can no longer define clearly the boundaries that separate harmless flirting and infidelity.  There used to be a time when giving a girl a hug or a kiss used to be a milestone in a relationship, a momentous occasion in the two participants’ life. These days, we hug and kiss half a dozen people simultaneously--on BBM, Whatsapp, Facebook and Twitter. The voyeur hidden inside each of us dances in glee at the increasing number of platforms that gives it the opportunity to play out its fantasy of polygamy. There are few rules and fewer boundaries in this world. 

So these are my reasons… This blog isn’t a comment on the change in the social landscape. It’s just me wondering that since the seasons of our lives have changed and the landscape has changed, why  do we insist on dressing up for climates that no longer exist? I think that marriage is outdated not because people don’t want to be with each other, but because the way we practice it has become outdated… We need to approach it from the point of view of the lives we live and the changes in our social life, not based on the needs it was supposed to fulfill decades and centuries ago. All I’m saying is, we need a new form of social contract… That the rules of marriage need to be rewritten… Because otherwise, it’s just like a dinosaur stuck in a traffic jam on a busy street in New York--helpless and confused.