DAAR LAGTA HAIN TANHA SUNE TO JEE....

A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend… For as long as I’ve known her, she’s been in a relationship—some abusive, some bad for her in other ways, and all of them with one thing in common—they’ve all failed her at some point of time or the other. I thought she was finally done with the last one for good but the next minute, she was back with him. She couldn’t even stay away for long enough to wipe the tears and think about what had happened. I wonder why she’d do that, knowing fully well that going back was perhaps not the best choice she’s made, that he and the relationship aren’t doing her any good. When I asked her why, her answer was simple---my friend is afraid of being alone.

So basically, she’s okay with being in a relationship that is bad for her on multiple levels because of the one fear she has been unable to overcome—the fear of being with herself. It got me thinking about all the people out there who are the same as my friend. Because most of us fear being alone. And I call this phobia SELF PHOBIA.

We say that human beings are social creatures, we like the company of people around us and we thrive under attention. We spend our youth making friends and our adult lives surrounding ourselves with people, friends and acquaintances and now, thanks to social media, we’re pretty much connected to the whole world all the time. And in this constant urge to collect and be surrounded by people, and know what’s happening in their worlds, we forget to introduce ourselves to the most important person in our lives—OURSELVES. In the never-ending process of widening our social circle, making new friends and then developing those friendships, we forget to invest in the best friend we can ever have—OURSELVES. Right from childhood, we are encouraged by our parents to make new friends… In school, we’re almost forced to know all our classmates intimately, play, mingle and make friends. We’re never really given the option to stay alone. And those who do choose their own company over others’ are called problem children. Right from then, we’re made to believe that being alone is a bad thing, something to be frowned upon. And we carry that lesson like a heavy bag on the journey of life.

We grow up believing that the more friends we have, the more popular we are… It gives us a sense of power, makes us feel young and invincible, to be the one with the most friends. It gives us a high, knowing that our birthday party will have the largest crowd, knowing that people would much rather hang out with you instead of someone else. We start people like trophies instead of friends. The more we have, the more powerful we feel. Do you even remember in your childhood, during your school-going days when you were alone for more than a couple of hours at a time? Or a time when you weren’t being told to make friends with this boy or that girl because she was so good at studies, or he was so good at sport? At that time, making the right friends was the biggest peer pressure ever, constantly being judged on the basis of the company we keep. The conditioning was so strong, the brainwashing so persistent, that we actually grow up believing that being alone was the worst fate possible, to be seen as an utter failure of our social skills… We start fearing the idea of being left to ourselves because we’re told that only depressive people stay alone, only the unpopular ones live alone and only those who aren’t loved by anyone are left alone… And over a period of time, we start believing in these notions. We make them our holy grail. And being alone becomes synonymous with being unloved.

The more I talk to my friends, the more I realise how scared we are of silence… Because that’s the time when we’re able to listen to ourselves and see our true selves… And that’s an uncomfortable thought. Because we’ve never taken the time out to get to know ourselves, to befriend the person we are. It’s like being left alone in a room with a virtual stranger, a person who has existed in your space forever, but you know nothing of what lies within. Because we’re all too busy making friends and surrounding ourselves with crowds, the larger the better, because there’s safety in numbers.

I wish we’d open our minds to our one true best friend—Us, Ourselves. I wish we could overcome this fear of feeling unloved unless we have a zillion friends around us, and focus on discovering ourselves… I wish we could be okay with spending time with just ourselves without giving in to the crazy urge to connect with the world, always fearing that if we don’t, we might be left out. Would it make our lives richer? I think it would make our relationships stronger, because then we’d know that the relationship isn’t based on the fear of being alone. Our relationships wouldn’t be obsessively clingy, because we’d be okay with keeping ourselves company. They would be healthier, because we wouldn’t be constantly running for cover, finding ourselves under the umbrella of fear. And most importantly, they would be happier, because the need to be in the relationship would be for positive reasons, for the way the person makes us feel, rather than the fear of the negative… The fear of being alone… We wouldn’t spend our lives looking for a partner, simply because we were afraid of being alone when we’re old.

We never spent time with ourselves while growing up, so we never really got the chance to know ourselves. We were never given the chance to make friends with ourselves and grew up being afraid of being alone. But like all fears, this fear can be overcome too. All we need to do is admit that we’re scared and realise that we need to tackle the problem. Don’t be afraid of your own company. I’ve tried it and it’s wonderful… It takes off so many of the pressures of socialising and makes relationships healthier … It is a welcome relief from having to make conversation all the time, just to be able to keep someone else’s interest in you alive… But it’s not worth compromising our real needs for. Compromising ourselves is not worth the bargain.

If only, as kids, we weren’t told that being alone is a bad thing…

Shayad phir darr na lagta tanha sune main jee…

Are you right or left handed ??

She finally did it… P broke the news to her parents that she is a lesbian last week… You’d think that in this day and age, admitting to her sexuality shouldn’t be a big deal for a woman like P. She’s 36 years old, works in a film company and has studied at the London School of Economics. So it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect that such a person would be comfortable with her sexuality… Apparently not. And it’s not that she’s been confused and just figuring things out until now. She knew at 23 that she was homosexual. But it still took her over 13 years to muster up the courage to tell her parents that the reason she couldn’t get married and “settle down” was because she was attracted to women.

She told me this over dinner last week. I’d always suspected it, but the subject never came up. And I wanted her to tell me of her own free will. I’d always thought that this would be one intense discussion; that there would be drama, some hand-holding and an emotional culmination to it all. It was nothing of the sort. She blurted it out over pork khichdi and coke, without any preliminaries or warning. It was anti-climactic, to say the least. Or maybe, I imagined the moment to be a bigger deal than it was because I watch too many movies and read too many books. Maybe these moments are actually meant to happen just like that, when you’re least expecting them.

 We had a long chat after that… about why it took her so long to tell me, why she’d waited 13 years to tell her parents, and so on…. I found out that not many people know about this part of her life. By her own admission, the count stands at only 7. That’s a very small number, considering she’s known for 13 years herself. But given that she’s been hiding her true self from the world, I guess she wasn’t ready to share the information. I’d have never thought of P as somebody who would worry about being judged by friends and acquaintances. She’s always been the well-read, well-travelled, opinionated one. She’s the life of a party and someone you would instinctively turn to in times of trouble. She has a heart of gold, and I can’t imagine why she’d think that her sexuality would overshadow all the qualities that make her the awesome person she is. Why would a person like that fear that their sexuality would become their identity? And in a city like Mumbai, no less. I’ve lived in Mumbai for 17 years, and she’s been here for almost 7 years herself, and I’ve never really thought about it. But P’s admission got me thinking—despite the progressive nature of our lives and the city, are things really simple?

If things were simple and uncomplicated people like P wouldn’t be grappling with basic identity issues. Is it really such a big deal to be gay??? Isn’t it as simple, and as natural, as being either left-handed or right?? I’ve known P for five years. So basically, it took her that long to build up the faith she needed to have in me to be able to tell me such a simple thing. And it took 13 long years to tell her parents. Yes, I can’t get over that fact. And I don’t know how long it’ll be before she decides to stop hiding such a huge part of who she is from the world.

While I was thinking about our conversation, I couldn’t help drawing parallels between her and every other person I’ve known. Including myself. At some level are we not somewhat gay ???Somewhere, deep down, don’t we all do exactly what P has done. Do we really know who we are and what we stand for? And do we accept our reality? How many of us are true to ourselves? Don’t we all, on some level, live the life we project, while keeping the other, lesser attractive parts of us hidden away from plain sight? Aren’t we all as terrified as P to show the world who we are for fear of being singled out, of being judged and found wanting?

We all do it, right? We’ve all hidden parts of our personality that are less than complimentary, the things that we know would make people uncomfortable and make it difficult for us to fit in. I’ve seen smart girls dumbing themselves down to be with the men they like, tomboys turn into dolls and normally nice men act like jerks—all to make the initiation into the ‘It’ crowd easier. No matter how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise, there’s safety in numbers. And at the end of the day, we all want to know what our place in the world is.

A few days ago, I wrote on my FB wall that when you reach a crossroad in life, sit on the pavement and take a coffee break. Since then, I’ve realized how much all of us need that coffee break. Simply to figure out where we’re coming from and where we’re headed. And what we’ve done to ourselves along the way. To strip away the frills and fancy packaging that we’ve wrapped ourselves in and see our naked truth. And to embrace that truth. When was the last time we did that? When was the last time we were brave enough to admit that we might be different, knowing that our declaration might find us standing on the pavement, cold, lonely and friendless? On the outside looking in. It’s true that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. But is the reaction always a good enough reason to withhold the action? It takes real courage to know the consequences and act on our convictions, regardless of the unpleasantness of the consequences. 

This conversation with one of my closest friends made me realize how all of us are hiding something from the world…. Vital portions of our personality that make us who we are, just so that we can lull the other person into the false sense of security that comes with having a person all figured out. And after a while, it becomes too late to break that cocoon, too late to step out of the comfort zone. The stakes are too high and we’ve got too much to lose, so we continue living the half-truths and the superficial life. And eventually, we’re so far removed from our real selves that we’re scared to even look inwards, afraid of what we might end up glimpsing, and worse, not liking what we see.

You had the courage to tell me that you’re left-handed, P… It’s something many of us are still trying to find....

MUMBAI...THE KILLER OF ALL RELATIONSHIPS

17 years… yup, it’s been 17 long years since I moved, bag and baggage, to this city of dreams, as someone called it then… With the hope that one day I will make my dreams come true… Dreams of making it big, of seeing my name flashing on neon signs, of leaving my mark in the city… I dreamt of making a success out of my life, and followed this dream to Mumbai… But while dreaming these bright, glittering dreams, I never, for once imagined that I’ll fall in love here… that I’d find relationships and my life partner here somewhere… I never thought of finding someone I could cherish or care for… Like many before me and countless after me, I came to Mumbai for one reason and one reason alone--I was in a tearing hurry to make my dreams come true. I had to do it before someone took it away from me. We all are in a rush, hoping that we can get there before someone else does. But in the race to reach the finishing line, we forget that there are two parts of our personality; and one without the other leaves us incomplete… Each one of us has a yin as well as yang in our system… A  materialistic part that takes care of the nuts and bolts of our life… And then there is the emotional side, the one that looks after the matters of the heart. Mumbai develops one side of our personalities to the hilt, but kills the other part completely… Or, if not kills then at least stops it from prospering… Everything is possible in this city of dreams, everything, except relationships, that is.

Let’s analyse the breeding ground for a healthy relationship… It needs nurturing, an understanding of the other person and the effort to spend time with each other… and therein lies the biggest problem… TIME, the one thing that none of us have. The city that promises you the moon and the stars robs you of the most precious gift you can give a person--the gift of time. Because all your time is spent in chasing the elusive dream that drew you to the city in the first place. We spend our time taking care of the humdrum of daily life, of trying to keep up with the expenses that increase every year no matter how hard you try to bring them down… Time is taken away in commuting to and fro, by the BlackBerry, by the deadline that is forever looming large… And whatever little time you manage to squeeze out of your our everyday existence, you’re expected to give to your partner. Because even your relationships need time. But in this constant struggle to make time for everything and everyone, we forget to make time for the most important person in our life--ourselves. Time for ourselves to simply sit back and take a breather from life, to switch off your brain and think of nothing at all. And I feel that when we don’t get time for ourselves, we start resenting things that take away the little time we have away from us… our work, our dreams, and, yes, even our partner and our relationship… The cracks start to appear and before we know it, the love that we were trying to nurture turns into something else... We reach a stage where we start blaming our relationship for stealing this precious time from us… I know so many couples where the man and woman have disagreements on what to do on a weekend… It starts with disagreements, snowballs into fights and ultimately ends up killing what made the relationship so beautiful at one point in time… We’d like nothing more than to spend the weekend with the object of our desire when we’re courting the person, but later, we start detesting the forced togetherness, the weekends that we wanted just for ourselves but were made to share. Because we really needed that alone time. Sounds familiar??

Often, our job needs us to be nice to people… Sometimes we need to be nice to perfect assholes that you would rather be rude to and tell them exactly what you think of them… But we can’t. Instead, we spend almost 10 to 12 hours a day being nice to them, simply because our job demands it... And after work, we’re forced to put up with people driving like idiots on the roads. You want to yell obscenities, but all you can do is grind your teeth and wait for the ordeal to get over and you finally reach home. By the time we get back home, the being nice to everyone business has so sapped us of our energies that most of us simply give up. We just don’t have it in us to be nice to anyone anymore. Again, sounds familiar? But that isn’t the end of the story. Because back home, the questions are waiting, loaded and ready to be fired. Why aren’t you being nice today ? Why are you so quiet today? What happened at work today? And the answer to all these questions is just one--I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It!!! It’s no one person’s fault; but having to be nice to people day after day and week after week sometimes just saps our ability to be nice anymore and that again contributes to the death of a relationship….

Everywhere around this city, all you see is concrete…. Buildings without a heart… Soulless constructions of steel and mortar… Have we also somewhere become like structures of steel and mortar? Beautiful, but without a heart ??? Are we spending so much time feeding the yin in our personality that we’ve forgotten that yang needs nurturing as well? That we need to look after the part that cherishes moments and encourages us to think from our heart, to value more than just the bank balance? I think we have. The city of dreams has no place for the heart and for relationships... Not until we are jolted out of our false reality and made to realise that life isn’t so much about the so-called success or the size of our bank balance. It doesn’t really matter whether you have a 3 or 4 or 5-room apartment, because honestly, we use just about the same space to live in that we did as kids… And we can do without the frills if the heart is in the right place… Just don’t let it turn into concrete…

Kahin building kahin trame
Kahin motor kahin mill..
Milta hain yahan sab kuch bas milta nahin dil …
Yeh hai Bombay meri jaan …

PS: This, I am guessing, is true for many other so-called BIG cities… But hey, I live in Mumbai!

We chase ..we chase …we chase …until we drop dead

The race actually starts even before we are born, because if we weren't the fastest sperm to catch the egg, even birth would not have happened, so maybe it's not a surprise that from that moment onwards, the rest of our lives are spent chasing after one thing after another and our lives turn into this mad race during which we never stop to breathe, never take a moment to enjoy what we have.. enjoy the sights and smells around us and savour the life that we have been given... all because we've been programmed to chase and chase and chase... Till we drop dead.

Don’t you remember the time when we were kids and were taught that we have to chase after the highest position? Our self worth was based on how fast we ran, or how high we finished. How far we left the closest competitor behind, and god help you if you stopped for a moment to enjoy the victory you worked so hard for. No, the chase was on again for the next level, the next position or the next medal.. We were told that standing still and savoring the victory was not worth it, because there were greater goals to be chased down... bigger positions to make our own, higher benchmarks to be reached... And so the chase started again. When we had the toy that we really wanted, we wanted the new toy that came into the market. When we had the newest dress in the store, we wanted the one that someone else had... Because suddenly ours wasn't pretty enough and theirs was way better... when we had the prettiest girl in the class on our arms, we wanted the prettiest girl in the school. Someone or something was always better than what we had and so the chase began again... When we finished at the top of the class, we chased the record that was set by a somebody we didn't even know. But suddenly, beating them became crucial to our happiness…

Why were we never taught that the journey of life is about enjoying the path instead of seeking the thrill of the chase? Why were we, as kids, never explained that it isn't so much about the speed at which you drive yourself on the road of life, but the route that you take and the joy that the journey gives us that truly matters? Why were we never made to understand that life isn't about reaching a pre-decided destination, but about enjoying every moment of that journey, and sometimes about letting the wind blow us in directions and on paths we'd never considered ourselves? When our lives are driven by the compulsive need to chase and conquer, don’t we surround ourselves with negative emotions?? Do we really want to spend our lives looking over our shoulder to see how far behind our closest competitor is? Does it really matter if we reach our goal a few minutes after we thought we would? Why are we consumed with jealously at the thought of  someone overtaking us? Why do we set ourselves up for that gut-wrenching feeling loss and despair if we don’t make it where we wanted to, if we don’t get what we want or finish at the top? It's because we make the destination so important that we forget that the journey was the fun that was to be had ..

We do this chasing in our work, in our relationships and in everything else of significance to us. We simply never stop chasing... From one destination to another, from one dream to another. We run at such high speed from the moment we are born, convinced that if we run fast enough, nothing and no one will be able to catch up. But that isn't quite how it works out, does it. Because one day, life does catch up and demands an explanation... And unfortunately, for most of us, by then it's probably too late. It's at that time that we realise that the summit that has been reached is not the final summit and we have to chase again.. It's at that time we realise that the grey in our hair is not because we savoured every moment of that journey, but because we were just so caught up in running at breakneck speed...

We chase happiness too... We chase the person who we feel will give us the happiness we seek, but what do we do when we get that person? We don’t cherish the moments we have with them, simply because we're programmed to become restless and start chasing for something bigger, something better. Suddenly, that happiness isn't enough and it's imperative that we move on to the next target before we're nudged out of the race. Teach your kids that life is a journey and not a never-ending race... It's about moments and not some finite destination that they must reach... It's about the sights and sounds and smells that are waiting to greet us, if only we let them, by the wayside on the road called life. But we can only enjoy them when we stop running after the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… Because the pot of gold will never be enough... But what can be enough is the joy that you experience while living that journey... If only you let it.

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving anywhere, because no one knows what the final destination really is...

Relationships come with an expiry date ...Love Shouldn't

I stand in my apartment balcony at 11.45 this Tuesday night and see the twinkling lights of the city in the distance… there's nothing more beautiful and enthralling than the night and a clear sky after a bout of rain that has swept away the dust… I love the night and its beauty... but somewhere inside is the fear of losing it... I know that in a couple of hours, the sun will rise and take this beauty away… It's inevitable… This night, like every other night, is mine for only a certain number of hours... It comes with an end written at the time of its beginning…

Aren't  human relationships something like this night that I'm standing and enjoying in my balcony? What has to start has to end, and what has begun will conclude… Don’t we all know that??? And if we do, then why do we try so hard to hold on to relationships? Sometimes, we try so hard that we suffocate ourselves, making the next breath impossible to take… Why do we allow the pain of a breakup to become so intense that the heart feels like it will stop beating? Is it because we are afraid of loss, or is it because we've not accepted that whatever starts will end, and whatever begins will one day fade away. It's something similar to what we did as children… We all had a toy which we loved the most, much more than all our other toys… We loved it so much that the fear of losing that toy sometimes took away from the joy of playing with it… We hid it from the world, didn't let anyone ever touch it and many of us lost sleep, worrying about what we'd do if someone was to take that toy away from us. The thought was so unbearable, and we spent so much time worrying, that we didn't have enough time to enjoy the toy, to experience the pleasure of playing with it while we still had it. For most of us, that child still lingers somewhere inside. We're still scared of losing the toy to someone or something. And that fear makes us forget that now is the time to play with it, to make the most of it and make the best of the time we have with it. Won't our lives and relationships improve if we simply accept that all relationships come with an expire date, that there will come a day when two people realise that they've enjoyed everything they had to give to each other and have made the most of their time together??? That it's time to finally let the toy go...

Why do we meet people??? Why are we attracted to that one person in the crowd?? I think it's our energy that attracts other energies. My theory is that we're constantly drawn to, and attract people who will fulfill what we are missing in our lives at that point in time... Like yin and yang… A vital part of the energy that'll make us complete is missing and from somewhere in the universe, somebody is sent to complete us… And we complete them… But what happens when that energy is completed and we feel a sense of fulfillment?? Is it time to quietly let go, without pain and recrimination, or draw something out till what was once beautiful becomes distorted and ugly? Because pain is inevitable if we stretch something out even after karma and nature have run its course. When we hold on to karma unnaturally, we cause hurt and grief… A relationship should be a celebration of the time spent together, not a preparation for the pain that it's end will bring with it. Because all relationships come with expiry dates, but love shouldn’t.

As I stand in my balcony, I know that the sun will rise in a few hours and take away my cherished night... But I also know that it will set again, and the night will be back again… It's simply karma; if something is taken away from you, it will come back eventually… At least we can live in that hope… But even if it doesn't, we can still hold on to love… Because it's a feeling that comes with no expiry date… … I was looking up the meaning of the word 'love' and wherever I looked, it didn't mention anything about possession, holding on tight, or keeping something or someone for keeps. All I found was that it's an emotion to be felt deep inside, onei that should liberate, not suffocate... We suffocate our love when we tie it down within the confines of a relationship…

Kaanch ke Khwab hain …

Anknon main chobh jayenge …

Palko main lena inhe …

Anknon main ruk jayenge ..

Yeh raat hain Khwab ki

Phir wahi raat hain

Raat hain khwab ki ..

Dekha karnge tumhe ..

Raat hain khwab ki…

Thankyou Gulzar saab …..

Is the curse of the human race that we JUDGE ..

We are born free ..free of thoughts …free of prejudices and free of any malice …free from love ..free from affection ..free from wanting to hold on to anything …but somewhere down the road of life we are given the curse that we have to bear for the rest of lives ….we are fed with an ability which society and our surroundings almost shove down our throat ..the ability and the habit to JUDGE

We judge people on the basis of everything ..from what they wear to what they speak to what they eat ..how they look ..how they live their life and sometimes even on the basis of who they hang out with …we judge them to be good …or bad …we judge to be too intelligent for us ..we judge them to be too dumb for us ..we judge them to be morally inferior to us and we judge them for almost everything they do.We become so engrossed in this judging process that we forget that we were born free of these judgements …if not physically then mentally we are born equal  ..born clean of thoughts ….life implants them into our head ..

What makes us feel superior to another human being??? …what makes one person good and the other person bad ???..why do we look at everybody and want to fit them into some image  that we have in our head of a prototype??? ….does it give us a sense of comfort that we now know this person cause we have fitted them into a mould ….does it make us feel less vulnerable or does it make us feel not so bad about our own self ….I have always wondered ..and I have always wanted to know why do we judge ….

We have people around us whose choices sometimes we don’t agree on and we judge them without knowing that we are doing so …we look at them with pity if we feel that their choices will lead them to what we think is unhappiness and moral degradation  …when you judge someone for a choice that person makes ,you are questioning the very basis of all human relationships and you are actually doing it for selfish reasons  .. …My theory is that when we  judge someone else ..we are just wanting to feel superior about ourselves  ..otherwise how will we be able to justify our choice of lifestyle ????.... if we feel that the other person is happy in what he feels or sees correct ..then doesn’t our choice seem wrong and theirs better?? ….. And that would mean questioning everything that we have felt has been right for us till know ..

I get judged a lot ..by friends ..by peers and by my family too …they accept me but almost always grudgingly ..sometimes because they don’t feel like picking an argument or sometime for other reasons …if they had a choice would they like me to be changed and conform to their defination of right and wrong ??….almost always!! …..it used to not matter to me …but today it did …cause someone got called something in a conversation just because that person was MY friend …so that person got slotted into a prototype …it was not that they were judging that person they judged me and by default another human being also ….because I only can be around a “certain” kind of people …

Why did it hurt me today to be judged ..because sometimes you get tired putting up a facade of being happy that you are being accepted grudgingly ….and that too by your friends ..a term I am using for people who you don’t mind showing your real self too …and hope that they love you for who you are …we should not be putting up a façade of any behavior but we do ..all to be accepted and not to be judged …we sometimes hide our emotions cause we fear being judged…..we sometimes run away from life cause we are judged …….and if we cant handle it we end up in a coffin ….cause then we cant handle looking at  ourselves …as the world has already passed its judgement on us

We all get painted by a brush …the brush of judgement …its your luck what color you pick up when life brushes you with that brush …its not  in your hands

so why bother ….because no one ever  will stop judging you …