I AM GUILTY

This is maybe the hardest blog that I have written,and is in a away a continuation of my last blog. Harder because its an admission of guilt for things that I have done wrong, caused hurt, caused emotional trauma and a lot more to people that I claimed to love. Why I did it? .What made me do things that would classify as pure mean? Those are reasons I am finding. But the first step is to admit that I was wrong, and I am guilty.

 These two women gave me all that a man could ask for. Above all; unconditional love. In return, I abused it. I lied, I cheated and behaved like a total jerk. All because I didn’t have the courage to tell the truth. It led the lies to build up, until one day they caught up with me. The ugliness that was brought out was something that I would have never wanted to see, but see I did. It was almost like a bomber pilot who is asked to visit the village that he has just dropped a bomb on, to see the destruction, pain and the bloodshed that followed the bomb strike. Haunting images that I am sure would stay with him long enough and haunt him long him enough for him to never do it again. I had caused such immense pain and destruction to two people and it was right in front of me to see. The weeks that followed after that were spent in a daze; where I questioned everything that I had done in my life, every relationship that I had ever been in and every friendship that I had built. Was I really a bad person? Was I just so bad that everything that I had ever done was purely selfish and with just me in mind? I needed to be told by someone that I wasn’t all black, because at that juncture I felt all black. I felt that all I was capable of spreading was hurt and lies.

And the reassurances came, from friends, from ex girlfriends and from people around, but the struggle was to believe it, the damage that I had caused was so severe that reassurances were just calming the surface down. The internal hurt and pain that I felt knowing what I had done refused to subside. To subside that pain, I knew that I had to bring about a change, a change in a lot of things, to make sure that the ugliness that I saw that day never comes back again. I can’t turn back the clock, but what I can do is to make sure that I don’t cause any more hurt on account of my actions.

We all make mistakes in our lives, but most of the times as soon as we are forgiven we forget the damage that the mistake had caused and we move on. And many a times we make that same mistake again, somewhere else in another form. Isn’t life just a cycle of making mistakes? Of learning from them and then making them all over again.That could be true,but mistakes that cause damage to such degree that I saw cant be made and there is no justification that one can offer

The biggest lesson that these two women have taught me is that men don’t need to lie. Women are far stronger than what we give them credit for. We as men are in our head protecting women by telling them a lie, but what we are doing is actually setting them up for more hurt when they eventually find out the truth. We lie, deceive and make up stories when all we have to do is tell the truth, the truth will never need to be remembered the next time we are asked about it, cause it’s the truth.

I was careless, callous and selfish, I never thought of the consequences that my life choices will have. The living in the moment theory that I had lived with till now made me immune to the thought of the consequences of my actions. I was selfish and I lived in the moment only for myself, a kind of a existence where I never ever felt that what I am doing today will have a consequence and effect on tomorrow.

Not many things in your life shake you up to the core, make you look in the mirror and not like what you see…right now that’s where I am. Whether women that I have hurt in my life ever forgive me, I don’t know, because right now I am unable to forgive myself. The writing of this blog is the first step that I have taken towards a better place, for I know that the better place exists, and I want to be there.

The first step is to say …I am guilty and I want to change. The change is hard, but when you see the damage you have caused, it doesn’t leave you with any other option ..