1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10..and the list goes on

It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog.

Call it writers block or what you may ...but I’m finally putting down finger to keyboard. J

Many who read my blog had asked me why I haven’t been writing lately?

It had been almost two months and I asked my self, did I write because I wanted to write and was inspired to write or was it just to notch up another one?

Just add to the number that comes before  …this one is 20^th blog …or the 22^nd …I don’t frankly know how many have I written and will finally write ..and these thoughts gave birth to the  idea for this blog .

Have we made our life just a collection of numbers and is that all that drives us? Have we become slaves of the numbers game? Has everything else stopped mattering and life has just become about the next number?

If one was to go back to our childhood, our obsession with numbers started from a very nascent stage. Starting with our obsession to come 1^st in class, in the debate competition or in the race that was happening on sports day. We were judged by our number or rank not by how well we had done, or whether we were happy just to be part of a race. It all came down to the number we achieved. Our exam results were all about ranks, our competition was always about the number that we finished at and since then our obsession with numbers has continued.

When do you remember in school anyone asking after your result “How did you do?” It was always, “What rank did you finish at?”

And since then numbers have been all around us; How many cars do we have? How many clothes do we own? How many promotions have we got? How much money we make? How many followers on twitter? How many friends on Facebook? Has a film earned 100 crores or not? It’s just about numbers. Our entire professional life is a function of achieving targets and setting new ones. Is there something more than that we look at? Satisfaction? Anything for the soul? And after a point does anyone even remember the numbers any more? Or do they become a blur? Its like driving a car on an empty highway and just looking at the numbers that pass by on every milestone, clocking them on an endless road with just numbers to mark our journey. Nothing else.

When did it become important to finish first in something that you do and why is it important to keep adding the numbers to our lives?

People ask me when am I going to make my next film.

Frankly I don’t know.

Will I make it to add one more to the list? So by now I have made 2 films ..after a while 3 ..then 5 …or should I make it only when I am inspired enough to do it. Should our life be about being inspired to take the next step or just a rush to notch up one more?

It’s been almost 17 years since I started working and if I look back, all I can see is a blur of things that I have done; running the race to notch up the numbers and questioning; Till when will the numbers matter and when will it be enough?

 Numbers are for calculators and for excel sheets. They should have no position in one’s life. Bank balances and the number that we have there should stop being the barometer of our life. Just taking the next step ahead to increase the number of steps that we have taken should stop being the only reason to walk.

We all come at a stage on our lives when these numbers overwhelm us and we feel that life should have more than just a collection of numbers. Maybe I have reached that stage, where numbers have become a blur …and I don’t feel like adding to those numbers.

I may not finish first in life …but it doesn’t really matter any more ….

BEING A FATHER...

She was just a month old when I first met her and she didn’t even have a name yet. So I called her Zara and that’s because I wanted to name her Zara,but her mother overruled me and named her Ayat .She is my niece just born to my younger brother. Zara is just now 4 months old but I have plans for the rest of her life; about how I want to spoil her rotten, how she will be the princess in Disney land and I will buy her every outfit that she will ever wear 

for the rest of her life, what she will be doing on her 18^th Birthday. Details are still being planned out but I do have a broad plan in mind. Her favorite football club will be Manchester United ,She will love cooking ,she will travel the world and almost everything else too . So Ayat is going to be one spoilt child and nothing will be off the table for her.

And then there is Arsh, my younger brother’s son. He is 5 years old and he calls me “Bade Papa”. Arsh is a name I gave him and that is what he was called. He is also the apple of my eye. He’s already a Manchester United fan and loves football and cricket, both of which are indulged by me. He took his first unaccompanied trip out of Bangalore at the age of 5 and that was to spend a week with me here and if it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would have gone to see the Avengers first day first show to the theatres or even gone to see Madagascar 3 at all. He is my “call-when-feeling-low” friend and has this knack of making me feel better with his innocence. He has the ability to make life’s problems seem small when compared to his problem. I mean how can any problem be bigger than him not being to play on his PS3 as he still has to finish his homework?!

My cousin sister has two daughters, Tavishi and Arohi. Tavishi is 9 and Arohi is 6 and both think I am a rock star! They live in Delhi and for them Samar Mama is a rock star who works in the film industry and comes to Delhi once in a while with tales of the film world and autographs of Hrithik Roshan or Ranbir Kapoor or whoever is the flavor of the month. For me they will drop everything and anything and come stay with me . Spend a day with Samar Mama because I am their Santa Claus and they my two princesses. Tavishi has a boyfriend who is her latest obsession and only Mom and Samar Mama know about him. So for any advice on men, I am the man to turn to.

Ameya is 18 years old, my younger Mamas daughter and the youngest of my cousins. For my 40^th birthday she made a website dedicated to me and got my friends and family to record messages for me on that. She is someone who has grown up in front of my eyes; from her first crush to her latest heartbreak. I have seen her through all that.

She was devastated when I got divorced and didn’t understand it. Hated me for a long time until one day understood what had happened and forgave me. I am her best friend who she can confide her problems in whenever she needs a perspective about life without the fear of being judged. She knows I’m here.

Ayaaz is 30 and married but as my youngest brother, I have seen him though school and college, bought him his first cigarette, had a drink with him and got drunk with him, swore in front of him and got him married off. He is today after so many years someone I can confide in and allow him to buy me gifts. Almost like you allow your son to buy you gifts one day when he finally grows up.

Alishka is Anita’s daughter who is my Rakhi sister. Alishka is 28 years old today and I know her since she was 11; another kid who has grown up in front of me. Her greatest fear is me embarrassing her in public with my antics, which I must admit, I do quite regularly. She hides her boyfriends from me as I feel no one is good enough for her and also make them go through the third degree. She is an adult now but for me, she is still the 11 year old who needs to be protected from the world.

It’s been almost 11 years since I got divorced and the questions always asked have been; why don’t you get married again? Why don’t you want to have kids? Don’t you feel the urge to be a father? I don’t have one single reason for that, I just gave you 7 J

Sorry is a journey..not just a word

Its been a month of intense reactions since my last blog post.  

From it being called pretentious to some others not taking kindly to my writing it in the first place. The reactions have come fast and furious…but the most common reaction that I got was of people saying how brave it was of me to say sorry; about how they felt it was admirable to have owned up to my error and mistake

Is it such a big deal to say I’m sorry? Why is it considered brave and admirable to say I was wrong and admit to one's failings and shortcomings? And how people react to this much often used word 'Sorry'. 

In my opinion ,it is neither brave to say sorry nor is it admirable to say it. It’s the least one can do. When we make a mistake that hurts someone , is not saying sorry the first step that we take towards redemption for ourselves? Or are we living in a world where saying sorry is considered a rarity rather than the norm. 

A girl friend of mine who I have been constantly speaking to through this period kept telling me how proud she was of me that I had the courage to own up and say sorry. Her boyfriend didn’t. Does that make me a better person? 

I would most definitely say not. But it seems like saying sorry and meaning it has become a rare commodity in today’s world. 

Most of us use the word 'Sorry' in our daily lives in many ways; when we spill water on someone, when we interrupt someone’s conversation, or even if we accidentally trip someone. What seems rather inadequate is that the English language has given us the same word to apologize to someone when you make a mistake as small as that or an error as grave as murder. Unfortunately there is no other word and so when we use it for a graver error, it sounds frivolous or it doesn’t sound like it’s meant. No matter how grave the error or how big the crime, the only words that can be used are 'I’m sorry'. Is that the reason it’s not taken at face value?? And the motives questioned? Is that why maybe, it isn't enough? 

The one thing that I have realized in the past one month is that sorry is not a word, its a journey.Saying the word is only the beginning of that journey. 

How do you show that you’re sorry?  How does someone believe that you are apologetic and regret what you have done? Its only actions that can show that …and actions take time. They take time to do as well as for them to be seen and believed.   

For when someone is hurting, it’s difficult to believe that you are sorry and are regretful of your actions. Every mistake that you have done in the past however small, will be brought out and slammed against you and even the good will be tinged with the hurt of the wrong. But the only thing that you can do if you are genuinely regretful is to continue doing your actions. For it is your actions that will show whethere or not you are geniunely remorseful of your actions . But it will have to be walked alone. Rest assured, it will be long, longer than you expect it to be…..Along this journey, you will find friends who will support you, family that will stand by you. But the acceptance of what you have done and not letting it bog you down is a journey that needs to be done alone.  

There is a difference in feeling sorry and feeling sorry for yourself. There will be times when you would almost slip into self-bashing mode …into a state where everything about yourself would seem wrong. But then family and friends would step in to stop you from feeling that way, to just say "Hey you did wrong, very wrong. But you also have the ability to make it right." …and that’s what sorry actually means, the journey to make it right. For the wrong that we do inflicts pain not just on the people we do it to,but also on ourselves. 

The most difficult thing is to make the people you have hurt actually believe that you are sorry ….they might or they never will …but if it really matters and if you really feel that you have done wrong …make your self believe that you are sorry …walk the path …not just say the word …

Sorry is a journey …not just a word …saying it is just the first step…