BEING A FATHER...

She was just a month old when I first met her and she didn’t even have a name yet. So I called her Zara and that’s because I wanted to name her Zara,but her mother overruled me and named her Ayat .She is my niece just born to my younger brother. Zara is just now 4 months old but I have plans for the rest of her life; about how I want to spoil her rotten, how she will be the princess in Disney land and I will buy her every outfit that she will ever wear 

for the rest of her life, what she will be doing on her 18^th Birthday. Details are still being planned out but I do have a broad plan in mind. Her favorite football club will be Manchester United ,She will love cooking ,she will travel the world and almost everything else too . So Ayat is going to be one spoilt child and nothing will be off the table for her.

And then there is Arsh, my younger brother’s son. He is 5 years old and he calls me “Bade Papa”. Arsh is a name I gave him and that is what he was called. He is also the apple of my eye. He’s already a Manchester United fan and loves football and cricket, both of which are indulged by me. He took his first unaccompanied trip out of Bangalore at the age of 5 and that was to spend a week with me here and if it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would have gone to see the Avengers first day first show to the theatres or even gone to see Madagascar 3 at all. He is my “call-when-feeling-low” friend and has this knack of making me feel better with his innocence. He has the ability to make life’s problems seem small when compared to his problem. I mean how can any problem be bigger than him not being to play on his PS3 as he still has to finish his homework?!

My cousin sister has two daughters, Tavishi and Arohi. Tavishi is 9 and Arohi is 6 and both think I am a rock star! They live in Delhi and for them Samar Mama is a rock star who works in the film industry and comes to Delhi once in a while with tales of the film world and autographs of Hrithik Roshan or Ranbir Kapoor or whoever is the flavor of the month. For me they will drop everything and anything and come stay with me . Spend a day with Samar Mama because I am their Santa Claus and they my two princesses. Tavishi has a boyfriend who is her latest obsession and only Mom and Samar Mama know about him. So for any advice on men, I am the man to turn to.

Ameya is 18 years old, my younger Mamas daughter and the youngest of my cousins. For my 40^th birthday she made a website dedicated to me and got my friends and family to record messages for me on that. She is someone who has grown up in front of my eyes; from her first crush to her latest heartbreak. I have seen her through all that.

She was devastated when I got divorced and didn’t understand it. Hated me for a long time until one day understood what had happened and forgave me. I am her best friend who she can confide her problems in whenever she needs a perspective about life without the fear of being judged. She knows I’m here.

Ayaaz is 30 and married but as my youngest brother, I have seen him though school and college, bought him his first cigarette, had a drink with him and got drunk with him, swore in front of him and got him married off. He is today after so many years someone I can confide in and allow him to buy me gifts. Almost like you allow your son to buy you gifts one day when he finally grows up.

Alishka is Anita’s daughter who is my Rakhi sister. Alishka is 28 years old today and I know her since she was 11; another kid who has grown up in front of me. Her greatest fear is me embarrassing her in public with my antics, which I must admit, I do quite regularly. She hides her boyfriends from me as I feel no one is good enough for her and also make them go through the third degree. She is an adult now but for me, she is still the 11 year old who needs to be protected from the world.

It’s been almost 11 years since I got divorced and the questions always asked have been; why don’t you get married again? Why don’t you want to have kids? Don’t you feel the urge to be a father? I don’t have one single reason for that, I just gave you 7 J

Sorry is a journey..not just a word

Its been a month of intense reactions since my last blog post.  

From it being called pretentious to some others not taking kindly to my writing it in the first place. The reactions have come fast and furious…but the most common reaction that I got was of people saying how brave it was of me to say sorry; about how they felt it was admirable to have owned up to my error and mistake

Is it such a big deal to say I’m sorry? Why is it considered brave and admirable to say I was wrong and admit to one's failings and shortcomings? And how people react to this much often used word 'Sorry'. 

In my opinion ,it is neither brave to say sorry nor is it admirable to say it. It’s the least one can do. When we make a mistake that hurts someone , is not saying sorry the first step that we take towards redemption for ourselves? Or are we living in a world where saying sorry is considered a rarity rather than the norm. 

A girl friend of mine who I have been constantly speaking to through this period kept telling me how proud she was of me that I had the courage to own up and say sorry. Her boyfriend didn’t. Does that make me a better person? 

I would most definitely say not. But it seems like saying sorry and meaning it has become a rare commodity in today’s world. 

Most of us use the word 'Sorry' in our daily lives in many ways; when we spill water on someone, when we interrupt someone’s conversation, or even if we accidentally trip someone. What seems rather inadequate is that the English language has given us the same word to apologize to someone when you make a mistake as small as that or an error as grave as murder. Unfortunately there is no other word and so when we use it for a graver error, it sounds frivolous or it doesn’t sound like it’s meant. No matter how grave the error or how big the crime, the only words that can be used are 'I’m sorry'. Is that the reason it’s not taken at face value?? And the motives questioned? Is that why maybe, it isn't enough? 

The one thing that I have realized in the past one month is that sorry is not a word, its a journey.Saying the word is only the beginning of that journey. 

How do you show that you’re sorry?  How does someone believe that you are apologetic and regret what you have done? Its only actions that can show that …and actions take time. They take time to do as well as for them to be seen and believed.   

For when someone is hurting, it’s difficult to believe that you are sorry and are regretful of your actions. Every mistake that you have done in the past however small, will be brought out and slammed against you and even the good will be tinged with the hurt of the wrong. But the only thing that you can do if you are genuinely regretful is to continue doing your actions. For it is your actions that will show whethere or not you are geniunely remorseful of your actions . But it will have to be walked alone. Rest assured, it will be long, longer than you expect it to be…..Along this journey, you will find friends who will support you, family that will stand by you. But the acceptance of what you have done and not letting it bog you down is a journey that needs to be done alone.  

There is a difference in feeling sorry and feeling sorry for yourself. There will be times when you would almost slip into self-bashing mode …into a state where everything about yourself would seem wrong. But then family and friends would step in to stop you from feeling that way, to just say "Hey you did wrong, very wrong. But you also have the ability to make it right." …and that’s what sorry actually means, the journey to make it right. For the wrong that we do inflicts pain not just on the people we do it to,but also on ourselves. 

The most difficult thing is to make the people you have hurt actually believe that you are sorry ….they might or they never will …but if it really matters and if you really feel that you have done wrong …make your self believe that you are sorry …walk the path …not just say the word …

Sorry is a journey …not just a word …saying it is just the first step…

I AM GUILTY

This is maybe the hardest blog that I have written,and is in a away a continuation of my last blog. Harder because its an admission of guilt for things that I have done wrong, caused hurt, caused emotional trauma and a lot more to people that I claimed to love. Why I did it? .What made me do things that would classify as pure mean? Those are reasons I am finding. But the first step is to admit that I was wrong, and I am guilty.

 These two women gave me all that a man could ask for. Above all; unconditional love. In return, I abused it. I lied, I cheated and behaved like a total jerk. All because I didn’t have the courage to tell the truth. It led the lies to build up, until one day they caught up with me. The ugliness that was brought out was something that I would have never wanted to see, but see I did. It was almost like a bomber pilot who is asked to visit the village that he has just dropped a bomb on, to see the destruction, pain and the bloodshed that followed the bomb strike. Haunting images that I am sure would stay with him long enough and haunt him long him enough for him to never do it again. I had caused such immense pain and destruction to two people and it was right in front of me to see. The weeks that followed after that were spent in a daze; where I questioned everything that I had done in my life, every relationship that I had ever been in and every friendship that I had built. Was I really a bad person? Was I just so bad that everything that I had ever done was purely selfish and with just me in mind? I needed to be told by someone that I wasn’t all black, because at that juncture I felt all black. I felt that all I was capable of spreading was hurt and lies.

And the reassurances came, from friends, from ex girlfriends and from people around, but the struggle was to believe it, the damage that I had caused was so severe that reassurances were just calming the surface down. The internal hurt and pain that I felt knowing what I had done refused to subside. To subside that pain, I knew that I had to bring about a change, a change in a lot of things, to make sure that the ugliness that I saw that day never comes back again. I can’t turn back the clock, but what I can do is to make sure that I don’t cause any more hurt on account of my actions.

We all make mistakes in our lives, but most of the times as soon as we are forgiven we forget the damage that the mistake had caused and we move on. And many a times we make that same mistake again, somewhere else in another form. Isn’t life just a cycle of making mistakes? Of learning from them and then making them all over again.That could be true,but mistakes that cause damage to such degree that I saw cant be made and there is no justification that one can offer

The biggest lesson that these two women have taught me is that men don’t need to lie. Women are far stronger than what we give them credit for. We as men are in our head protecting women by telling them a lie, but what we are doing is actually setting them up for more hurt when they eventually find out the truth. We lie, deceive and make up stories when all we have to do is tell the truth, the truth will never need to be remembered the next time we are asked about it, cause it’s the truth.

I was careless, callous and selfish, I never thought of the consequences that my life choices will have. The living in the moment theory that I had lived with till now made me immune to the thought of the consequences of my actions. I was selfish and I lived in the moment only for myself, a kind of a existence where I never ever felt that what I am doing today will have a consequence and effect on tomorrow.

Not many things in your life shake you up to the core, make you look in the mirror and not like what you see…right now that’s where I am. Whether women that I have hurt in my life ever forgive me, I don’t know, because right now I am unable to forgive myself. The writing of this blog is the first step that I have taken towards a better place, for I know that the better place exists, and I want to be there.

The first step is to say …I am guilty and I want to change. The change is hard, but when you see the damage you have caused, it doesn’t leave you with any other option ..