Dont Say NO...

It’s a discussion that I have had rather frequently with many and I’m almost always baffled by the arguments that are put forth on this topic. It’s a phenomenon that I have observed at parties, in bars, music concerts; at almost at every place where there is an interaction socially between men and women. There is this palpable air of unapproachability that looms over either of the sexes when trying to build a conversation with the other; a fear of rejection that kills the chance of any kind of relation even before it begins.

Why are we so afraid of rejection? What is so drastic about being rejected that puts so much of doubt in our head about trying anything new? I have heard several reasons on what it means to people, how they doubt their self worth after having faced rejection and how it subsequently how it plays on their confidence levels.How they have had to face rejection in their growing up years ,and how that makes them suffer from low self esteem . I have heard them and understood them. So after considerable theorising on the subject, I will tell you my reasons of why I don’t fear rejection and hopefully they will make some sense.These are my theories and have helped me overcome my fears of rejection

Also before I begin postulating, let me just put it out there, I’m only really talking about rejection in matters of the heart. J

So Here goes…

The one thing that I have always believed in and can be called my mantra is that by being rejected by someone I am not in a worse place than where I was when I started. Think about it, before you approach someone in an effort to begin a relationship, you never had her/him, if she/he rejects you STILL don’t have her/him. So how much of a difference did it make in life to you?

You have to believe that being rejected doesn’t push you back in any way…you will be where you were before. No loss no gain. Think of it as striking of one person from a list of people you might stand a chance with

Now if you have mustered up the courage to make someone a part of your life and you invest your emotions in that but then get rejected, the common complain is that the emotions that got invested were a waste.

Really? Is that completely true? Maybe in the face of soul crushing pain of rejection, the first thing that comes to your mind is what a failure/tragedy that relationship was.

But is it okay to completely disregard the beautiful memories that you created together? What about those moments that were built on these emotions you invested? At that very instant, it made you giddy headed, it made you feel invincible, inexplicably happy. So net net, was it really a waste? I think, not.

If one was to think of the damage that one causes by any manufacturing, nothing would ever be made…anything that is created  will leave some negativity in its wake , but isn’t that stating the obvious? What about the positive that it has created in its fold? No experience will ever leave you with only happy memories and by products ,the negative all also come with it .

Sometimes the main thing that we need to understand about rejection, is that its not about us …its about circumstances. It’s about other things that are happening in someone’s life. It’s about what they are feeling…it’s very easy to make everything especially rejection about us …but its not. Sometimes people reject the idea of a relationship or the chance of a relationship because they don’t want one or they don’t need one or just because THEY and not you, suffer from some fucked up chemical flux in their head. It’s not about what you want…it’s about what they want

And lets admit it being rejected is the by-product of the game of courtship. I believe that feelings don’t cause us hurt and harm. It’s our failure to deal with the consequences of our feelings that cause us pain. If we devise a method to deal with the by products of rejection, then the fear of rejection will no longer scare us. If we start believing that being rejected is not always about us, its not the end of the road and its not put you in any worse spot that you already were in, maybe the fear will stop hounding us .We all have to start thinking that the end result is not always what makes the journey so wonderful, it’s the moments we gather along the way that make it worth it, however it may end.   

So for all those that fear rejection, you have only two choices; One; Keep fearing it and do not step forward, in that case your chances of success are 0% …or step forward and take the leap…chances of success 50%.

Even mathematically it makes logical sense! So don’t be afraid of No, just be prepared for it. And remember, it might just be a YES ;)

What is love...

It was the holiday season and by some coincidence I was meant to be in Delhi on the 25^th of December. My ex-girlfriend was having a Christmas dinner for her friends in Delhi and in that group would also be her current boyfriend.

Having shared almost 12 years of my life with her I demanded to be invited for this party and like always it was just banter until she said that when her current boyfriend heard about me wanting to be there,he said its either him or me that night and he didn’t want to share the same space as me.

Hmm. It was his way of showing love.

Love; A term we all use to tell someone how special he or she is. Parents do it to their kids, boyfriends to girlfriends or vice-versa and friends to each other. We declare our love to show how much they matter to us and the deep sense of affection we feel towards them.

But what is love? Is it just a feeling of affection, a mix of passion and affection? What defines love?

This incident with my ex girlfriend and other events of this year have left me understanding that the only definition of love that will stand the test of time and which will prove to be the highest form of love, is that of acceptance. Something that most people who love, don’t feel.

When we love someone or call someone the love of our life ,we should be able to accept not just the persons good but also the bad, not just the present but also the past, not just the bright spots from their past life, that make them the person that they are and we love , but also the dark shadows that lurk somewhere and that make us uncomfortable

Why does it become so difficult for people to accept someone’s past?

Is it insecurity, a feeling of “what is she still loves him” kind of fear? Is it territorial? Like animals that mark their territory and would not like someone else entering that? Or is it just plain and simple putting your head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge that the person who you are with right now was with some one else before that. I have seen many a times people not being able to accept someone’s past; old girlfriends, old boyfriends, past relationships and the one questions that has always bothered me has been ….Why does love of today become hostage to someone’s yesterday?

Why do we find it so difficult to accept a person that exists today and not worry about what he or she did in the past? Why does it become so difficult to accept and not fight what “has been” which will ruin “what is”?

Why does love have to be about making a choice? Some people from your past go away on their own and some are there for ever. Why should what you have today impact what someone else shared in the past.

Why do they have to give up something for them to hold on to something else? Is that fair and, more importantly, is that really love?

Loving someone is a combination of a lot of things affection, passion, care but most of all it has to be acceptance. We might care for someone, have deep passionate feelings, but we can only say we LOVE them, if we are able to accept them and what they stand for. We might not agree with them, we might not like it but the past is what has made them who they are today. The relationships from the past, the people from the past, the events of the past, if you love someone you have to love the whole package. Selective love is no love at all. And it cannot be you trying to fit them into a mould that you have in your head.  Accept their past and love them.

Hope you all had a 2013 that taught you something important as well…

THE DAY MY CHILDHOOD DIED

THE DAY MY CHILDHOOD ENDED ...

It happened at 1 o’clock on the 16^th of November 2013, in a stadium called Wankhade in the city of Mumbai. It was hot and the sun was beating down on me while I had tears flowing down my eyes. As the tears flowed, I prayed for it not to happen. But it did.

Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar waved and walked up the stairs to the Indian dressing room for the final time.

And that walk took away my last childhood hero.

While growing up we all have had those few people for whom we've bunked classes, stayed up late at night, fought with the world for and prayed hard that they conquer the world for us just because they were our heros.

When Micheal Jackson belted out Thriller he defined music for me. When Maradona weaved his magic on the football field, the game brought new meaning to my life. When Amitabh Bachchan tore into the villians on screen, life seemed perfect. When Boris Becker threw himself across the tennis court to return that tennis ball, I wanted to do the exact same thing. And when Sachin Tendulkar hoisted the opposition bowlers across the boundary line, the kid in me felt, I and every Indian had done the same.

These were the people that defined my childhood. My adolescent years were where their posters, their mannerisms and their deeds kept life alive. Those were the pre-satellite TV, Twitter and Facebook days when it was difficult to get news about them, see them and interact with them the way it is today. I remember saving up money so that I could buy the next Micheal Jackson album. Staying over at my Uncles house so that we could watch the Germany World cup together and get my fill of Maradona. Standing in line to buy a ticket for Hum and throw money at the screen when Amitabh Bachchan wooed Kimi Katkar with Jumma Chumma, bunk school because Sachin was batting. There was the pure unadulterated happiness that was felt when anyone of them were doing something …the joy that a child feels ..the sheer high when they won and the dejection when they lost.

And then one by one they went away; death took away some, the sportsmen stopped playing and Amitabh Bachchan the actor was no longer the hero on screen. Younger guns took over… but Sachin kept my childhood alive. He stood as the last link. Playing with the same gay abandon that he had when he was 16, the first time he became a part of my life. When he played the outside world stopped to exsist. Cheering and jumping, buying tickets for live games that I could see him as part of, celebrating his success and mourning his losses.

As life went on and adulthood brought with it its fair share of worries and the responsibilities of living, Sachin was the escape I sought when life got tough. The world was changing in so many ways around me, but Sachin remained constant ..watching him play still connected me to the days of my childhood…sitting with friends in a stadium and watching him walk on the field still made me jump with joy and become the child again. Listening to his exploits from others still make me wide eyed …he was my link to a time gone by.

And then one day I met him ….the only person after Amitabh Bachchan who left me tongue tied.

I was shooting a TV show with him that I was directing but all I managed to do was watch him gawkily; my hero had come alive in front of me. I had always made fun of others who did it but all I could say as my opening sentence to him was "Im a big fan”…yes I had done that!

He kept playing and he kept doing what he did best; wacking the bowlers and keeping the child in me happy. When he lifted the world cup in Mumbai I was there crying and laughing and hugging strangers cause my hero had done us proud. I never thought that one day he will stop playing. But it did happen in front of my eyes; he walked out to bat for the last time and played all the strokes that I had watched growing up,the square cut,the punch of the backfoot,that perfect forward defence and the drive straight down the ground. It felt like he was playing them for me, to give me the perfect images that I could store in the heart of my childhood forever.

And then he walked away.

Leaving me standing there with just memories of my childhood …will I ever be able to be the child again when I watch cricket?

Yes I will. Because all our childhood heros deserve that …they deserve the promise that we will keep the child in us alive. Watch sports with the same gay abandon, listen to music with the same gusto and enjoy cinema as if the magic will never end.

I promise Sachin that I will watch the game with the same passion as I did before, cheer as loudly and keep the memories that he has given safe somewhere in my heart.

I will not let my childhood die ….SACHIINNNN SACHIINN!!!!

I am not looking for perfection..I'm looking for real ...

It’s a discussion I am very often a part of. When my female friends, who are still single, give me their reasons for being single, how they are waiting for that perfect man to walk in, the image that they have nurtured in their head and dreams for so long, waiting to find that perfect relationship.Friends who are waiting for that perfect job to land up,frustrated in their current assignment …our constant search for the perfect life, the search for this elusive word; perfection.

A state of being that I feel doesn’t exist.

We spend most of our adult lives living a life where we chase this word...perfection. In our relationships, in our work place, in the cities that we live in, in every aspect of our life. We strive for it and get hugely disappointed when we don’t get it. Not just disappointed but also bitter and frustrated with what we have. We forget to cherish the life that we have in desire for the life, which may or may not exist…why are we so obsessed about perfection in everything that we do? Why are we so consumed by our desire for perfection that we forget to enjoy the real that is around us?

…Maybe because real can never be perfect and we have been as kids tuned to chase perfection …

I think the biggest problem in our unhappiness is our lack of acceptance of things around us. We would be much happier if since childhood we don’t strive for perfection or for the 100% in every field that we do…if parents don’t make their children feel inadequate if they are not perfect …if they are not pushed towards perfection in everything that they do or are always reminded about how life would not be fulfilled if it wasn’t perfect. If the idea of a perfect marriage wasn’t drilled into our heads, if we were just made to believe that perfect doesn’t exist…and imperfection is what we will find in the world that we will live in

One of things that I always argue about and feel strongly about is the search of perfection by men and women in their relationships. How many of us stay single but will not enjoy something that is available ‘cause its not perfect?

The question I always ask is whether getting 60% is better than getting nothing at all… or even 50%. When we see all around do we even see one perfect relationship? And what is this perfect relationship, anyway? Have we ever thought that in this wait and quest for perfection we are missing out on so many moments in life, which might be imperfect but are real and give us happiness?

Is the definition of perfection that there are no flaws or that it will not have pain? If that’s the case then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment right from the very beginning.  Everything that starts will end, everything that God has created has a flaw and pain is an emotion that cannot be avoided in life. So is it better to keep waiting for perfection or better to enjoy the imperfection? Is it better to get real and live real and enjoy the real than just wait endless for something that might not ever happen .

In our jobs and professional life too, we keep searching for that perfect place where all our professional aspirations and desires will be met. We keep looking around to find that place where we feel that what we dreamt of is going to come true… but a job is not meant to make us happy ….its meant to provide the bread and butter to our lives. How many of us choose a course while growing up or a profession ‘cause it made us happy? We chose it ‘cause it gave us security or we felt we were good at it

Or we succumbed to peer pressure or parental pressure to take up a profession and then we stay in that job despite being unhappy and feel frustrated ‘cause its not perfect or we are unhappy in it … No job is perfect …no profession for anyone is perfect. Some are mundane, some glamorous…never perfect.

Don’t let the imperfect moments of life pass you by as you stand on the wayside waiting for that perfect moment to happen...because chances are it doesn’t exist.

Enjoy and cherish the imperfections. 

Don’t look for perfect ..Just look for real.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10..and the list goes on

It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog.

Call it writers block or what you may ...but I’m finally putting down finger to keyboard. J

Many who read my blog had asked me why I haven’t been writing lately?

It had been almost two months and I asked my self, did I write because I wanted to write and was inspired to write or was it just to notch up another one?

Just add to the number that comes before  …this one is 20^th blog …or the 22^nd …I don’t frankly know how many have I written and will finally write ..and these thoughts gave birth to the  idea for this blog .

Have we made our life just a collection of numbers and is that all that drives us? Have we become slaves of the numbers game? Has everything else stopped mattering and life has just become about the next number?

If one was to go back to our childhood, our obsession with numbers started from a very nascent stage. Starting with our obsession to come 1^st in class, in the debate competition or in the race that was happening on sports day. We were judged by our number or rank not by how well we had done, or whether we were happy just to be part of a race. It all came down to the number we achieved. Our exam results were all about ranks, our competition was always about the number that we finished at and since then our obsession with numbers has continued.

When do you remember in school anyone asking after your result “How did you do?” It was always, “What rank did you finish at?”

And since then numbers have been all around us; How many cars do we have? How many clothes do we own? How many promotions have we got? How much money we make? How many followers on twitter? How many friends on Facebook? Has a film earned 100 crores or not? It’s just about numbers. Our entire professional life is a function of achieving targets and setting new ones. Is there something more than that we look at? Satisfaction? Anything for the soul? And after a point does anyone even remember the numbers any more? Or do they become a blur? Its like driving a car on an empty highway and just looking at the numbers that pass by on every milestone, clocking them on an endless road with just numbers to mark our journey. Nothing else.

When did it become important to finish first in something that you do and why is it important to keep adding the numbers to our lives?

People ask me when am I going to make my next film.

Frankly I don’t know.

Will I make it to add one more to the list? So by now I have made 2 films ..after a while 3 ..then 5 …or should I make it only when I am inspired enough to do it. Should our life be about being inspired to take the next step or just a rush to notch up one more?

It’s been almost 17 years since I started working and if I look back, all I can see is a blur of things that I have done; running the race to notch up the numbers and questioning; Till when will the numbers matter and when will it be enough?

 Numbers are for calculators and for excel sheets. They should have no position in one’s life. Bank balances and the number that we have there should stop being the barometer of our life. Just taking the next step ahead to increase the number of steps that we have taken should stop being the only reason to walk.

We all come at a stage on our lives when these numbers overwhelm us and we feel that life should have more than just a collection of numbers. Maybe I have reached that stage, where numbers have become a blur …and I don’t feel like adding to those numbers.

I may not finish first in life …but it doesn’t really matter any more ….