He is a friend of a friend and at 28, he’s still a virgin… He lives in Mumbai, works for a bank, looks fairly decent and is well-travelled... So I was highly surprised by this declaration of ‘virtue’.
When asked why, his answer is simple—he’s waiting for the right one. That special someone. According to him, sex follows love. And unless he truly loved the girl, it wasn’t going to happen. In his own words, he’s ‘single’. And everyone else, whether with one partner or many, was not single. Basically, for this guy, sex was what determined your relationship status.And if you not celibate you not single .
Meeting this guy prompted me to think about relationships… And the definition of ‘single’. What does being single actually mean? Are we single when we’re free from emotional attachments? Or are we single when we have not one but multiple sexual partners? And at what point in our emotional and sexual lives do we stop being single?
Let’s break this down. If we were to follow this guy’s definition, the minute you become sexual active, you lose the right to call yourself single. But at the same time, the sex has to be with a special someone. So what does that make the people who are sleeping with multiple people, all of who are special in their own ways? Does that make them single or in multiple relationships? I think the problem is with the concept of ‘a relationship’. Why the finality? Why the boundaries?
For a lot of my friends, the day you get emotionally attached to one person you stop being single… In their words, when you stop exploring options, that’s when you can stop calling yourself single… Till then, technically, you’re footloose and fancy-free… By that logic, if emotional attachment is what determines whether one is single or not, does that mean that people who date more than one person at a time or are “exploring options” aren’t emotionally attached to those people? Is that even possible… To share a part of your life, for whatever length of time, and not form an attachment for a person?
Does that mean that no matter what the depth of a relationship, unless it comes with the tag of exclusivity, it isn’t good enough? Is that fair to the people concerned? Even if we’re just ‘exploring options’, who is to say that ‘option’ means nothing unless you turn it into a permanent thing? Why are we giving anyone, whether it’s society, friends or acquaintances, so much power? Why does anybody but you get to decide how special a person from your past or present is?
Let’s link sex and singlehood. Does being single imply celibacy? According to my virgin friend, they go hand in hand. If we’re to believe that premise, we’d be hard pressed to find ‘single’ people in this day and age!
And what about people with multiple sexual partners? Are they single??? If they are, then that would imply sex without emotional attachment.Is that always possible??...to have sex without any emotions ?? Which Mr Virgin would say is a bad, bad thing to do. And if they aren’t, then the whole ‘a relationship’ theory falls apart. Because there’s no ‘a relationship’ here. I don’t think our man Mr Virgin would approve of scenarios two either. Damned if you’re single and damned if you’re not.
The problem isn’t with feeling too much or feeling for too many, it is with trying to find labels for everything. Why is it so important for anyone but the two people involved to know when a casual relationship turns serious?? Why does there have to be a marker in the relationship’s chronology that tells a third person the exact time when merely hanging out turned into going on dates which then transformed into dating? And at what point does casual sex become serious?? Why have we drawn so many lines and boundaries in our heads?
Some would say boundaries make life easier, they help make decisions. I think they’re cumbersome.
Because with boundaries comes the fear of crossing them. And the repercussions. We behave in a manner compliant with the boundary because to do otherwise would mean to redefine a relationship.I have always been amused by women going to great pains to explain to a guy that they are just “friends” almost boxing the poor guy into corner!!
A few days ago I went for a singles party… A place for single people of both sexes to meet and mingle… There were a few familiar faces, and when I walked up to say hello …they were almost embarrassed to be seen there .. they took great pains to emphasise, repeatedly, that they were there just to hang out and not to ‘look for love’. It was almost as if they were reluctant to admit that they were single!! Whether they were looking to date, marry or simply to get laid, what was the big deal in admitting that we live in a city where meeting new people is as difficult as finding open spaces? Why is being single a reflection on our ability to form lasting bonds? At what point did being single stopped being a choice and became a burden instead? Why should anyone be made to feel apologetic for not having a wife or girlfriend on our arm at the party? Or for that matter a different woman at every party !! Why is it so incomprehensible for a person to choose to stay single, to refuse to be tied to one person? Why is it a reflection on a person’s moral fibre?
Being single is a state of mind… When you’re free from the bonds that society has created… And the compartments that you’re forced to shove your relationships into. Do we have to define every relationship? Does every person have to be labeled as a friend, girlfriend, lover or just an acquaintance? And must everything that follows with that person follow a rigid path? Because every label comes with a long list of dos and don’ts… Instructions that govern us and that relationship. Why can’t we just let things be? Why can’t we let every relationship define its own path instead of giving it a map and a navigation system?
And let’s define our relationship status the way the government does. The census form has only three columns—married, not married and divorced. I’m divorced. ☺
