Coffee With the EX

It was a relationship that had to end one day... We wanted different things from life. But it had lasted for 8 years. We’d gone from being acquaintances to close friends to lovers… Seen many ups and downs together, shared many happy and sad moments… She had been an integral part of my life. But it had ended. She was finally an EX.

A few months later she called. She was in town and wanted to meet up for coffee. We’d not spoken to each other in this time. She needed the time to move on. But now she wanted to have coffee. Which made me think about this much-used phrase: “Coffee with an ex”. 

Most of the time when a relationship (and I’m classifying a relationship as something that lasts for at least 6 months) ends, it’s never with the consent of both the people involved… Sometimes relationships end because the needs from that relationship have changed. Or one of the two is disillusioned by it… Like when one person cheats on the other or when they have a massive fight. Very rarely will it be a decision taken mutually with both the people sitting across the table and having a sane, sensible discussion.

I think that’s what this first coffee with an ex is meant to be—a chance to sit across the table and have that first conversation... Without reproach and recrimination, to make sure that the issues that we keep in our hearts and hold on to for the rest of our lives get resolved… Not just for the sake of closure so that we can focus on our current relationship, but also so that we don’t end up carrying baggage from that relationship for the rest of our lives.

I feel that this coffee helps to clear the air. Everyone has reasons for doing what they did; we might not understand or accept those reasons, but if we just hear the other person out, we give ourselves the option of understanding their reasons. Maybe not immediately or even in the near future… But some day, when the hurt fades away, we might be able to understand… And it might help the next relationship we’re in.

Most of the time in relationships, women tend to sweep problems under the carpet and don't discuss it. I think this coffee is the time for the woman to finally have her say… To vent their feelings and say everything they’ve kept locked up in their hearts... And men should be ready for that. To hear and to listen… To let the woman let it all out… They need it… They need to discuss why it ended… what went wrong... The problems that were never discussed… It’s their catharsis... It’s their way of cleansing the past and making a fresh start... And this coffee should be treated like that... For both parties to silently embrace their share of the responsibility and move on... To accept that mistakes were made and to forgive each other...

And there’s a reason why it’s over coffee guys! It’s safe and on neutral ground. It’s in public view. I believe that this coffee should happen at exactly the right time... Not when the embers from the past are still too hot to handle, nor when they’ve become cold and died. It has to happen when the relationship is at the right temperature. Don't ever try having a drink with an ex before you have this coffee... With the wrong beverage, the results might be totally different! :)

Life is too short for us to hold grudges… To feel animosity towards someone who’s been a major part of your life... We all deserve the chance to make our peace with our pasts so that it doesn’t ruin our present and future. The door to the past needs to be shut and bolted. But not just from one side, it needs to be locked from both sides of the doorframe. So this coffee with an ex can be the final end of an old relationship or the beginning of a new friendship. My coffee was the beginning of a new friendship... Maybe next time, we can catch up for a drink. :)